Thursday, May 24, 2012

Heart Strings

As a medical professional, I have seen people with traumatic injuries, people with chronic illness, and people with horrible life threatening diseases. I try to treat every single patient like they are my family member. I love my job. I love being a ray of sunlight in a bad situation. I love just talking to people. Sometimes all people really need is somebody to listen. Imagine if you couldn't get out of bed and all you had to stare at all day was four monotoned walls. But from day one of starting my career I have told myself "You can't take this stuff home with you." "You can't take the sadness and sorrow with you." So I built my wall. When I left work, I truly left work. Completely emotionally detaching myself. There are definitely patients I will never forget, I can't forget. People whose lives ended way too early. Pre baby I was hard as a rock when it came to pediatric patients. The premature babies didn't make me sad. I saw it more as a challenge, how can I get these babies well. And seeing those babies make it out of the NICU was an accomplishment. Same went for the pediatric patients. I never took it home with me. My heart hurt more for the families than the kids. This poor family was having to watch their child suffer, laying lifeless in a bed.

My view post baby is completely different. E has created this soft spot in my heart, this soft spot that can never be hardened again. A soft spot so full of love. Today I was taking care of a very sick little baby about the same age as E. He had the biggest blue eyes. The color of the sky. And light blonde hair. He reminded me so much of E. He started having problems so I was called to the bedside to try and fix him. The whole time those blue eyes looking at me. Asking "Please help me, please help me."I couldn't contain myself. I started crying at the bedside. Never before have I ever started crying at bedside. All I could picture was E being in this child's spot. It tugged and ripped at my heart strings. I found myself asking why God, why this sweet innocent baby? Why does he get dealt these cards? I know it's not my position to question God, but it's so hard to understand. This baby has been through more in the few months he's been on the Earth than I have been through in my WHOLE life. I know there's a reason for everything. And one day we will know it. I definitely think my job makes me realize how valuable life really is. It can be taken away any minute. Every day I come home from work and I love on E until it's time to go to bed. My days off are spent cuddling and kissing E. I would give anything to be a stay at home mom. These moments are precious and never guaranteed. And many people have been robbed of them way too early. The first prayer I pray at night is thanking the Lord for my baby and for Him to please watch over E. As an end note, never take life for granted, never take your children for granted, never take your loved ones for granted. LOVE HARD.

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